And it not just for holding up your reading glasses

When we think of ears we automatically think about hearing. The words rhyme so its an easy link to make but it more than that. Hearing is passive. We hear the neighbour’s AC machine turn on, our partner’s snores, the second step that creaks under the dog’s paw. Sometimes, when I have a headache I want to block out these noises and can’t. Its because hearing is not a sense we have an off switch for. We close our eyes during the scary parts of a movie, we spit out that bad tasting food, and we even pinch our noses shut but not our ears. When we cover our ears it actually makes the noise louder.

So if hearing is passive then listening is active. It takes conscious effort to listen and is somewhat of a dying art. Even though my mom can’t hear everything she used to, she is a great listener. She will move her chair so her good ear is near you. She watches your mouth and moves her lips to follow what you are saying. She asks you to repeat the parts she isn’t sure she got right the first time. She actively listens to your voice and the words you are saying. She has to in order to understand but so do we.

We are changed people when we listen.

When I was in high school, I remember a teacher telling us to listen actively. He meant for us to be taking notes and forming opinions about what we heard but I think listening actively involves stopping. Stopping our brains from thinking about our own words. Stopping distractions for both the speaker and the listener. Stopping by not just not interrupting the other but not even forming a response until the other person is completely finished speaking. And stopping being distracted by all the other noise and activity.

One of the ways that we taught our kids to get someones attention was to gently place their hand on the person’s arm. People couldn’t ignore such a simple and yet personal touch. Often when I see some one really listening they place their hand on the speaker’s arm or shoulder. I think it is partly to let them know that they are being heard but it also serves the purpose of keeping the listener zeroed into the speaker. We glide our finger tips under the words on the page, we point or drag a finger along the line on a map. Touching uses a second sense, its a back up for our ears.

Somehow we listen with our eyes too. If I am talking on the phone I will often close my eyes to close off distractions and picture the person on the other end of the call. We see nuances to words by the half shrug that accompanies them or how deep the passion lies when their eyes light up and almost sparkle. Did you know that when you watch someone you automatically start to breath in rhythm with them. We mimic other peoples movements, taking on the same posture and position of the other person. It is a little funny to watch an interview sometimes but without thinking about it we make a connection in our unconscious minds and act on it.

So we absorb the speaker’s deep regret as well as their immense joy, their struggle to understand and their expression of wisdom.

In order to listen to people we need to make a choice. Remember, hearing is passive, listening requires focus and so much more. The reward is truly knowing another person. Not just hearing their words and internalizing them. Their varying ways of communicating make their words become part of us the listener. So we absorb the speaker’s deep regret as well as their immense joy, their struggle to understand and their expression of wisdom. We are changed people when we listen. There is no limit to what you can learn when you listen. When you choose not to listen, you will have no idea what you have lost.

Your challenge this week is to listen first. When talking with someone, really listen. Give them 100% of your attention while they are talking. Put down your phone, look them in the eye, maybe even touch them in order to stay focused. Listen. Listen with your ears, take in not only what they are saying but how and why as well. Watch their body language change. Don’t be planning what you need to say, just focus on them first. And when it is your turn to speak, listen to that still small voice from deep inside your heart and repeat the words that the Spirit gives you to say.